This article on Scientology in Rolling Stone, by Janet Reitman, is a long one. Covers a lot of ground. But it leaves a whole bunch of majorly pressing questions unanswered.

FOR example. We learn that if you hoist yourself far enough up the Scientology flagpole, you become an “Operating Thetan.” OT for short. And being an OT has some nice perqs:

OTs can allegedly move inanimate objects with their minds, leave their bodies at will and telepathically communicate with, and control the behavior of, both animals and human beings.

We also learn that Tom Cruise is an OT level VII, which is “near the top” of this illuminous trajectory.

Okay. We can surmise, therefore, that Tom Cruise is able to do some fairly extraodinary things, including move inanimate objects with his mind. Which raises the aforementioned questions. The first of them being:

Tom Cruise can MOVE inanimate OBJECTS with his MIND??????????

And then moving right along to:

Who ELSE can move inanimate objects with his mind? Can John Travolta? Kirstie Allie?

And: How many generic brand, joe six-pack sort of Scientologist types are running around with the ability to move inanimate objects with their minds???

Are they allowed to do this in PUBLIC? Large objects? Cars? Buses? St. Bernards? Or is this just private, in-the-comfort-of-your-own-home activity? “Honey, I was thinking, the couch would look better over there, next to the fireplace.” “Okay, lover.” Zzzzzzzzzzzztttttt.

Speaking of which, does this ability ever become a source of marital tension?

“Darling, would you PLEASE pick up your dirty socks?”

“Why should I? You’re the OT level VII. Just use your mind to pick them up.”

“Yeah well, if you’d get off your lazy ASS and get YOUR OT level VII then I wouldn’t be stuck doing all the supernatural odd jobs all the time, now would I!”

:-o

UPDATE: Reitman has written a book, Inside Scientology.