A salad spinner.

Reasons:

1. Lettuce is probably sentient. Give the poor lettuce a little fun before its final demise.

2. Unwashed lettuce will kill you. You’re probably safer eating roadkill in August than unwashed greens.

3. Wet salad is horrid. It isn’t even salad, really. It’s raw soup.

4. Water on a salad plate, when you’ve finished your salad, is horrid.

5. There are only two other ways to dry lettuce, unless you want to wait a couple of days.

6. Drying lettuce with a hair dryer wilts it. While wilted lettuce salad is, admittedly, a culinary mainstay, no known recipe suggests wilting it with forced hot air.

7. The only other way to dry your lettuce is to daub it with something.

8. Daubing it with a dish towel will re-contaminate it with the pathogens you just washed off. Don’t you want to live?

9. Daubing it with paper towels is safer, but paper towels are made from trees, and cutting down trees is bad . . .

10. Never mind. I’m going back to work!