A bacon press.

Reasons:

1. Straight, flat bacon: it’s not just for obsessive compulsives any more.

2. Flat bacon is crispy bacon, and a clear majority prefer crispy bacon.

3. Martha Stewart might drop by. Think how impressed she’d be to discover you tracing the cuts for a set of corner bookshelves using your homemade quill pen and a piece of bacon.

4. Kevin Bacon might drop by, and since you’ve probably slept with him, you might as well feed him breakfast. And I’m sure he’d appreciate straight bacon. He’d probably phone the tabloids himself.*

5. You’re probably less likely to see Jesus’ face in a flat piece of bacon than in a wavy piece of bacon.

6. And while, in theory, we don’t object to seeing Jesus at breakfast, we’d prefer he appear in a pancake.

7. Although we hope his face doesn’t resemble Captain Pugwash’s.

8. We also hope his appearance wasn’t faked, because that upsets ebay.

9. You’re also less likely to see Satan’s face in a flat piece of bacon.

10. Especially since Satan prefers peppers. No surprise there, eh?