Don’t eat that!!!

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I was amusing myself last night by trying to think if there are any foods that we haven’t been warned not to eat.

You can take all meat, dairy, and grain-based foods off the table (ha ha ha) right away. Poison, all of them.

Legumes — also high carb. Nuts: oooh, all that fat! Back away from the nut, slowly, slowly!!!

Fruit. I once read an article where some researcher said that rats fed too much fruit had watery livers. Something about all that pectin. No, I have no idea what “watery liver” means, don’t ask, I may not even remember the term correctly. But that’s not important. Obviously we should all avoid fruit if we want to live.

So that leaves vegetables. Macrobiotics say for god’s sake don’t even touch members of the nightshade family, so toss out your peppers & tomatoes. Cabbage family stuff can be hard to digest: no brocolli, cauliflower or kale. Forget spinach or Swiss chard: high in oxalic acid. Lettuce: so little food value, what are you thinking? Carrots are pretty high carb, I dunno! Sweet peas are high-carb, too, as is winter squash. Snap peas may be okay.

And green beans.

So that’s what we have left, I think? Snap peas and green beans. Zucchini squash, I guess. Unsalted. And water, assuming it’s filtered.

Bon appetit!

5 thoughts on “Don’t eat that!!!”

  1. i think you’re still allowed to eat the following.

    1: your children
    2: your inlaws
    3: alaskan king crab that you catch yourself wearing only speedos and a snorkel
    4: animals but only if they’re made out of soy.
    5: your dog
    6: your cat
    7: edible underwear – but only if they’re made of soy.
    8: red meat – but only if it’s made out of soy.
    9: plankton and seaweed – but only if they weren’t harvested from the ocean (it’s poluted)
    10: salmon – but only if it’s not from the ocean (too much mercury)
    11: Catfish – but not from an american river.
    12: Chicken – but only free range chicken… That volunteered itself to be eaten.
    13: Aliens – but only if they’re made out of soy.
    14: popcorn – but only if it’s organic, not cooked in oil, has no salt or butter, and is made out of soy…

  2. LOL

    Only one problem, doc-t — I should have added soy to the list! Believe it or not, there are anti-soyists lurking about! We just need to learn to cut through the pro-soy hype —

    Still, that leaves nine items . . . not bad. I think this might be doable after all . . .

    Back later, need to dig out my snorkel.

  3. This reminds me of an ALL IN THE FAMILY episode. Archie and Edith had taken in Teresa (Liz Torres) as a boarder, and Archie was explaining the rules of the house — his house. Gloria recapped his laundry list this way (paraphrasing here): If you find yourself having any fun at all, STOP!

  4. uh, sorry–green beans are high in fructose, to which many people are allergic (fructose malabsorption, it’s called).

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